I am learning to trust the ebb and the flow. I am learning to trust the balance.
The entire month of December caught me straying far from my normal routine.
As I had settled in to my new post grad life, I had developed a pretty good daily routine that I was happy with. After work I would work out, eat dinner, read plays, do yoga, generally do things that furthered my goals, whether they were health related, spiritual, or career related.
Vacations/holidays are a good time to disconnect from our routines, but I struggle with accepting the balance of these “breaks” from our daily life.
From the amount of holiday parties I went to at work and indulging in things I don’t usually indulge in (the usual suspects; alcohol and cookies) to spending time with family, catching a nasty virus and spending most of my week off in bed, clutching hot water bottles and tissues, to my nephew being born, to still fighting off this nasty virus, I have felt stuck in a rut the past couple weeks.
I felt no motivation to continue my goals. I felt no motivation to make new goals. I simply wanted to do nothing.
So I laid in bed. I scrolled through social media to distract me from my boredom. I scrolled through titles on Netflix and Hulu hoping to find something to entertain me. I re-watched episodes of Friends, since that’s really the only TV show I can watch.
While I was trying to give my body and mind a rest, I couldn’t help but feel totally worthless to be doing nothing. This is why I usually keep myself so busy, because as soon as I have a moment to breathe, a moment to relax and do nothing, my mind keeps nagging me that I should be doing this, or doing that, which is something I am completely creating myself.
My mind creates this reality that I always have to be doing more and working harder.
For New Years, feeling in this rut, I made the resolution to stop creating things for myself to do. I was starting to get overwhelmed about all the projects I wasn’t finishing, the books I wasn’t reading, the blog posts I wasn’t writing, the monologues I wasn’t learning, when I took a step back and thought – the only person you’re letting down is yourself.
So, instead of forcing myself to do these things when I wasn’t feeling it – I instead allowed myself to trust in the ebb and the flow of life.
Some days, I will want to tackle it all – and I will. I will tackle it with passion and joy and love.
Other days, I will want to hide from the world, curled up in bed and simply do nothing but stare blankly at a wall and forget about all the things I strive for.
…and I’m learning, that it’s okay. It’s all okay. Life is about balance and you can’t have it all one way or the other all the time.
I am learning to trust the flow. I am learning to accept the balance.