a note on negative

I don’t like watching scary movies. I can’t really handle anything negative because it really affects my mood and my thoughts. I’ve never understood how people put themselves through this torture of watching other people be tortured, killed, etc.

Yet, people love the thrill. They love the mystery, horror, and adrenaline.

I just started watching Riverdale with my friends and I am in deep. I can’t stop watching it. Even though it’s pretty low on the horror entertainment scale, it’s still far from the positive vibes I usually like to surround myself with, and I don’t know why I keep watching.

Why are we so attracted to the darkness when we know their is light?

I had this realization last night – a revelation if you will, that I am in my own way.

I am a pure being of light. I don’t need anybody but myself, because I love myself fully and fiercely.

Yet, my mind likes to play games with me. My thoughts are constantly wondering if that person loves me, if they are thinking about me, if I’m talented enough, what I should be doing with my life, bla bla bla, the list goes on and on.

My mind is in a constant cycling and recycling of thoughts.

And then there’s the distraction mechanism. I use my phone to distract myself, numb out thoughts and just mindlessly scroll. While this can be a nice break from reality sometimes, I know I am far too addicted. Heck, it’s the first thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night.

Why are we constantly thinking too much and then distracting ourselves to stop the thinking when we are already pure beautiful beings of light who don’t need validation, don’t need to define themselves by what they do but simply by who they are.

All we need to do, is simply be.

But somehow, we are so attracted to the darkness of our thoughts that we are scared to face our true selves; beautiful, glowing beings of light.

Why is it so hard to break the patterns and go towards the light?

I am learning to observe my thoughts instead of thinking they are my thoughts. I am learning how to simply be still. I am learning to be.

I am learning

what it means to feel

E N O U G H.