A couple of months ago, I realized that I am constantly on the go and constantly leaving the people I love most behind for new horizons.
I grew up in Pennsylvania and had an amazing and close-knit group of friends in middle school. However, right before we were about to enter high school, my family and I moved to California and I had to completely start over.
I ended up making an amazing and close-knit group of friends in high school, yet the minute I graduated, I jetted off to New York City to work for the summer before moving down to Southern California to start college.
Again, I was completely starting over, not knowing a single soul at my new school and was about 8 hours away from home.
In college, I made so many amazing friends and graduated with my newfound family by my side. While 3 of my best friends made plans to live together in Los Angeles, I again, packed my bags and moved across the country to a small town in Connecticut where I didn’t know a single soul and yet again, started over.
I started to notice this pattern in my life, where it always felt like I was the one leaving my best friends behind while they tended to stay put and continue the friendships they’ve had with the same people they’ve known their whole lives.
It was over Christmas break when I really sat with this thought and wondered, why is this not the case with me? Why am I always the one leaving?
What is wrong with me?
This musing came from seeing on Snapchat that the group of friends I had in middle school were all hanging out since they were all home for Christmas and I felt a twinge of jealousy. These were the same people who I had known when we were 10 years old, and now at age 23 they are still just as good friends, if not better.
I was craving a sense of security and safety, and all this change and having to start over and over again, which was once exciting, now just felt aimless. I felt like at this point in my life, I should continue to work on the relationships I’ve already created to strengthen and nourish them, instead of continuing to create such weak, short-lived friendships.
But then, last night I was reading up on my moon sign, Cancer, and a sentence stuck out to me. It said, “You may have constant change with the people in your life, but notice you somehow feel at your best when there is someone there for you to take care of”
This one sentence suddenly felt so validating to me because it was so true – I have always had constant change of the people in my life. New friendships have always replaced the old ones.
Then, tonight I got invited by an old friend I had in high school to join him for our other friend’s sister’s voice recital at Yale. I was happy to reconnect and even though I hadn’t seen him or even talked to him in four whole years, it felt like nothing had changed. We reminisced about people we had known, laughed, sang, and met up with our other friend and his whole family.
Our other friend, Gabe and I had a special connection because we were Prom King and Queen in High School, but again, we hadn’t spoken in four years.
Yet somehow, spending time with the two of them felt totally natural and normal. Our personalities hadn’t changed and even though time and space kept us apart, we were still the same people and still had a shared history together.
This reunion, combined with what I had read last night; that I am the way I am because it is literally written in the stars comforted me so much.
I realized, nothing is wrong with me. In fact, I am so blessed that my life takes me to amazing places to meet amazing people and to get to know and share deep connections with different humans on this earth.
And realizing, that all the people I have already met will always be with me in some way whether or not we’ve seen or spoken to each other in years.
They are still part of my family because I’ve been so blessed to have crossed their path at some point in this lifetime.
All I can say is thank you. I can’t wait to meet and learn from so many more of you.