This week’s focus was on recovering a sense of self-protection.
The chapter was all about focusing on where we block ourselves. We turn to alcohol, food, drugs, work, or sex to distract ourselves from what we’re really supposed to be doing. I sort of knew immediately that I distract myself with all of these things when I don’t feel like being creative or I am avoiding what I know I should be doing.
My biggest distractions lie in sex/relationships & work. I will busy myself with tons of things and always feel the need to be productive, to be doing something. Then, instead of just allowing myself time & space to do nothing, I fill my time with my relationship which provides a pretty good distraction!
All of these things are well & good and important for a happy, healthy lifestyle, but when they are out of balance is when you know you are not in alignment anymore.
This week was good because I got over my fear and worked on my one-woman show with 3 different audiences to perform it and get feedback. I’m really pleased with my efforts this week because I had a big revelation about fear.
I was worried basically all day about performing my piece for a couple people and really didn’t want to, was basically dreading it wishing I could just go home & relax instead, was worried about wasting their time, etc. All of the fears and doubts came up.
But then, after I performed the piece I was REWARDED with soo much. So much inspiration and insight from the audience members, and I felt so alive with the work. I felt giddy with joy and I realized that when pursuing your artistic dreams there will ALWAYS be fear. However, the payoff from having the fear and just doing it anyways and the reward you get from just doing it, far outweighs the fear.
On the flip side, if you give in to the fear and the comfy, cozy of NOT doing the thing you’re supposed to be doing, the pay off you get from that is GUILT and nothing makes the guilt worth it. There is no pay off from feeling guilt.
So the question I ask you is, would you rather feel the fear, do it anyways, then feel immense joy? Or would you rather feel the fear, don’t do anything about it, and then feel immense guilt?
The choice is all yours. An important reminder for myself as well.
I had the best artist date this week. I took myself to Michaels and bought paintbrushes and a planner for 2019! I’ve always loved planners, but since I’m not in school anymore I didn’t really see the need for it. But, instead of thinking that I treated myself anyways and am already excited about having a space to write my schedule, write out my to-dos, goals & intentions.
After going to Michaels, I then spent an hour just PAINTING and letting my artistic spirit run free. It felt great to just sit there and create something tangible and in a medium that I am not particularly great at and never do. Just playing with colors ❤
I did my pages all but one day this week. I find it really hard to do them on a weekend when I’m with my boyfriend and just want to be with him, plus I don’t like doing them when another person is present (distraction orrrr???). I did have a great revelation during them that I’d love to create a project where I travel the world and interview women about their masturbation stories; how & when they discovered it.
The best part about my show and what it brings up for people is causing them to think about their own experiences and think back to when they first learned to masturbate or got their period or had their first kiss, etc. I love it because everyone has those stories but we rarely think about it. I love that in sharing my experience I can get other people to reflect back on their experience. I’d love to travel and get these stories from women from different cultures.
Exercise of the Week:
Make a list of personal touchstones. Things that make you happy.
(reminds me of my happy lists!)
- smell of lavender
- buttery steamy hot pelmeni
- shells from the ocean
- crystals; my rose quartz, citrine
- new york, new york by frank sinatra
- warm fuzzy socks
- hot massage stones
- mint tea
- lemon spindrift
- hot baths
- coconut oil
- eucalyptus leaves
- wine & pizza & movie nights
- cute planners
Synchronicity of the Week
- Randomly came across Susan Blackwell’s creativity challenge (an artist & creative coach whose career I admire) and found out she is doing a creativity workshop in January for only $100.00. That seemed like a small price to pay when it is completely in alignment with this journey I’m on and great research because I want to become a creativity coach now and am starting to build my business for it. When I signed up I was #29 out of 30 spots and that felt very, very serendipitous.
- Found out today that I did not get the role in Next to Normal that I auditioned for last week. During the audition, I felt great about it and it was down to me and another girl. While my ego is bruised, I am able to recognize that my spirit is too STRONG and not in alignment with the role even though I can sing the heck out of it and I understand why they made the choice that they did. I also learned a great thing in the audition: that I need to get my butt in music theory and/or sight singing lessons since that is one thing that trips me up in auditions. I am taking this supposed “loss” as a true WIN and that feels good.