Happy new year, my loves!
I felt called to do a 2018 reflection post because I feel like I went through massive changes during this year and I’m excited to reap the rewards for 2019. I know I’ve already listed reflections and manifestations for 2019 in My Year of 23 and What’s in Store for 24? but here’s a different sort of reflection post.
2018 was the year I suffered & struggled with my artist and embarked on the journey to heal. Amongst questioning & doubts, I sparked & ignited. I discovered new passions. I committed to following the downloads without knowing where it lead.
I remember in the beginning of the year, I visited Laguna Beach after having some serious California withdrawals, had a magical weekend and discovered what I truly wanted in life. I envisioned how my best life would be. And surprisingly, it didn’t look like how I previously imagined it to be.
I thought I wanted to be an actor going from show to show, but instead I saw myself living a free-lance type life, traveling to speak or perform, living in a beautiful location, and making time and space for the daily practices that are meaningful to me; yoga, meditation, spiritual practices.
I didn’t know what to do with this information – could it be true that what I had worked and wanted all of my life was suddenly not what I was meant to do with my life? What did this mean?
In the meantime, I manifested a full time job with benefits, free housing & food & started to reap the rewards and spontaneously bought myself a flight to Edinburgh, Scotland for the weekend and had so much fun traveling solo and exploring the city.
I committed to doing more artistic things and then failed short. I wanted to practice 30 days of singing. I failed. I wanted to feel like I was “doing” artistic things. I failed. I stopped posting on the blog. I survived my first #oneillsummer and had serious doubts about living successfully as an artist.
I struggled immensely with being in a highly creative & artistic place and feeling like I was cut off from that creativity. I was stuck in an office while people were in rehearsal rooms performing or frolicking on the beach living their dreams in “theater summer camp”. I felt like I was more in artistic prison. I felt trapped, uninspired, stifled.
I beat myself up every day for not meeting the people I should be meeting, for not inserting myself into those circles, for not asking actors for advice, for not meeting directors and casting directors and making those connections. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t get out of my self-imposed prison. I told myself it was because I wasn’t meant to be an actor.
I questioned whether or not I should even BE an artist. In June, I wrote this on the notes in my computer:
my fears with art
- whats the point of it
- who will see it
- i don’t wanna show it to people
- whats the point of spending all this time on it
- will it actually count for something
- do other artists work this hard
- will it change anything
- will it not resonate with people
- will people view me as selfish
- will nobody relate
- well it seem meaningless
- it’s too hard to get it out there
- it takes too much effort for no return
- money? does it matter?
- there are so many other people who are trying to do it, what makes me special? what makes me worthy?
I questioned what it all meant. I questioned whether or not it was worth it.
Looking back at this list now, after the journey I’ve gone through with The Artist’s Way, I smile and acknowledge my inner artist and see this as the inner blocks holding me back from my potential.
I now know the importance of creativity and it being a means to channel the universe.
To counteract these beliefs, I repeat my new creative mantra:
“My creativity serves humanity. When I am fulfilling my purpose, I am serving humanity”
I buckled down, wrote a poetry book and self published it.
After dealing with fear and neglect, I finally faced my fear and wrote my one-woman show and performed it for people.
I ended a three year relationship and didn’t allow myself the time or space to fully heal from it. I entered another very unexpected relationship and am continuing to work through the lessons this relationship is teaching me. Unexpectedly: healing & more love.
I traveled to Edinburgh, Scotland, explored New England towns/cities like Boston, Newport, Block Island, Stonington, and Mystic, traveled to California & Dallas & Washington DC, spent a day in Dublin and a week in Portugal.
I dealt with clearer visions of my future, discovering how I wanted to create more abundance for myself, started working on an entrepreneurial business venture, intense longings for creativity, doubting myself as an artist, healing myself as an artist, and igniting a passion to become a creativity coach for others to help them work through this process.
I enter 2019 with a fresh and new perspective on creativity, spirituality, daily non-negotiables and new tools and practices to help me when I fall into similar ruts.
I am able to navigate the once murky & choppy waters. I am able to name my fears. I am able to recognize my limiting beliefs and I am learning to release them. I am able to commit to my practices knowing it about the deep & inner work.
I am bringing forth into 2019: conscious, creative, connection.
My resolutions include:
-doing my daily non-negotiables (morning pages, meditation, movement, creative acts, honoring the flow)
-charting my menstrual cycle to unleash the magic & creativity of my cycle
-& continuing to become my most magical, manifestation, mermaid self
Catch ya on the flip side, my magical merm humans ❤