This last week and the start of this week I felt very…off. I felt very bogged down by the malaise of the winter and the routine of the everyday and was seriously feeling the need to escape.
I was getting resentful at work because I was just feeling so over the work and just generally so BORED.
I temporarily lost that spark of inspiration and zest for life.
I was dreading going into work and sitting at my desk for 8 hours and had no desire to work on my creative projects that usually give me meaning…i.e. my one woman show.
In fact, I was dreading working on the show. Everytime I thought about it, I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and couldn’t even bear to look at the pages. I felt shameful for even attempting to write them. I felt like the subject matter was trivial. I felt like I should just give up.
Last night, I had a rare night off for “me” and thought – wow, wouldn’t this be a great time to work on my show?
Instead, I felt exhausted and binge watched Broad City. I kept fighting myself in my head – shouldn’t you just try to work on it? Maybe just watch one more episode and then work on it.
Instead, I actively kept shouting NO to myself, LET ME HAVE THIS NIGHT.
the thought came again…”but wouldn’t it be nice to have a few hours without distractions to work on it? you could really get somewhere with it”
NO. I shouted again. I’m trying to RELAX and VEG out and not THINK. Let me get sucked into the lives of these twenty somethings instead of being present with my own.
I wanted to take the easy route. I wanted to numb out. I wanted to be lost in someone else’s world besides my own.
the voice came back…”but just think what you could create with this time right now…at least write a poem or a new song, you finally have the time”
but for the last time I shouted NO. I’m not feeling inspired. I just want to do nothing! I’ll work on it tomorrow morning…
I woke up this morning and dreaded how I was going have to face my script today. I planned to go to a local coffee shop before work to work on the script and I dreaded it.
Can’t I just do it tomorrow? How about I just read or journal instead?
It’s not that big of a deal, leya, it’s just a script. the first step you have to do is just open it. It’s not like you’re solving brain cancer, it’s just stories. Just freaking read them and see what happens.
I opened up my laptop with dread and thought…here goes nothing.
I started reading. Looks good to me! Maybe I can just be done with it now. I don’t need to do any more edits!
I read deeper. Okay…that doesn’t make sense there. Delete that sentence. Reword it. Add more detail.
Okay, how did I go from here to here? What is missing here?
The wheels started turning. The thoughts of dread and the “this doesn’t matter” faded away and I simply started to work. on. it.
All too soon, time was up and it was time to log off and go to work.
But, I felt alive again. I felt happy again. I felt inspired again.
I share this as insight into my creative process and to remind you that this is all part of the creativity work. The battle within. The procrastination. You may dread. You may lose inspiration.
But when you sit down and do the work, that’s when the magic strikes again.
Next time, when I’m feeling such RESISTANCE to doing the work, I’ll remember what it feels like afterwards. I feel hopeful. I feel happy. I feel inspired.