what I’m thinking about – solo trip to Bali

I wake up without an alarm and spend my morning writing in my journal, sometimes doing yoga, sometimes doing a Joe Dispenza meditation, sometimes doing a pleasure practice and deciding what I want to do that day.

I’ve gone surfing a few times now and actually can get up on the board now, so I feel like a pro. No wonder people love it so much.

I go to cafes and fill up on vegan food and smoothies and chia bowls and ginger juices and feel in love with the nourishment that the earth has to offer. I think about how I might be a vegetarian forever and that scares me, because of how much I’ve changed.

I read 4 books at once, whatever I’m in the mood for, and sometimes the reading inspires me to write, so I drop everything and open up my notebook or laptop and let the words pour out onto the screen or page.

I spend time at the beach just watching the waves. Talking to nobody the voice inside my head. I sip coconuts and think about how I wish my boyfriend was with me, but also how I’m content with being alone.

I try to remember what it feels like to be held.

I fight with myself a lot, and also try to get quiet and calm. I keep putting pressure on myself to do more. Try all the cafes. Do all the things. Spend time working and coming up with a new coaching program and creating a creativity course and writing a book and writing a book of poems and working on a secret project.

Sometimes I work on these things and I feel good and happy.

Other days I can’t focus and feel really stuck in a mental trap of what I “should” be doing.

I begin to feel like a loser that will accomplish nothing in life.

And then I think about the fact that 2020 is in 6 weeks and I’ll be 25 in a month and I’m thinking about all of the things that I’ve accomplished and done and learned in the last decade and I start to feel really proud of myself.

When the mental anxiety starts to build and I feel like I should be “doing” something more productive, I respond by doing the opposite and booking myself a bed at the VIP lounge at a fancy beach club and spend the rest of the day napping in the sun, reading for pleasure, soaking in the pool, walking on the beach, and drinking fresh juices & coconuts and having vegan sandwiches delivered to me while I watch the sunset.

I leave my laptop at home, my defiance certain.

I am learning to be more mermaid and dropping the pretenses that come along with letting yourself live in the fun, relaxing, pleasurable, divine flow.

It’s actually easier said than done. It’s easier to do something than to just be.

I have all these ideas and passions and want to do everything all the time. I always want the opposite of what I have.

I sing along the beach and make up monologues to myself and remember how good it feels to speak the truth. I remember how much I miss acting and performing.

I attended a panel discussion called “What It Means to be a Man in the 21st Century” and I cried about 10 times. I am reminded how much I love humans and their stories. I am reminded that men weren’t taught to express their emotions and that’s why the state of our world is in the state it is.

I saw a quote on Instagram that said “the opposite of repression, suppression, and depression is expression”

I love that.

I’m thinking of all the things I want to do, but also thinking about how we’re always trying to define ourselves but what we do and not who we are.

Why is the first question we ask kids, what do you want to be when you grow up?

We should be asking, who do you want to be?

It doesn’t matter what you do, it matters who you are.

I think about all the things I haven’t allowed myself over the years thinking it will make me too lazy, too fat, too worthless.

I think about how I’m going on social media too much and being influenced by watching other people’s filters on their lives.

I think about how I need to stop consuming, and start creating more.

I think about my addiction to my phone, to distractions, and that every time I want to work on something, my immediate response is to reach for my phone to do, nothing. It’s like a security blanket.

I think about why I’m so afraid.

I think about how maybe I want to get married and maybe I also want to never come back home and just travel the world and teach yoga.

I think about if I’m even qualified to teach yoga, because my 200 hour wasn’t enough and I need more practice.

I think about how I never feel like I’m “doing” enough and always feel like I need to be doing something 24/7 for 7 years before I feel like I can call myself whatever it is I want to call myself. I think about how this is probably a lie.

I think about all the lies I’ve ever told myself.

I look at the clock and think “oh, it’s already 3 pm I should maybe put on some clothes and get going, maybe go to the beach or something”

and then I’m reminded that I have nobody to answer to but myself. I can do whatever I want. I am asking myself what I do want and really pausing to listen.

I’m thinking about how I’m going to Thailand next week and I have nothing planned and don’t know how I’m going to get around and see that the islands I want to visit are really far away from each other and my bags are too heavy and I almost want to skip Thailand and just go back home, but then I’m reminded that it’s okay to not have a plan but eat pad thai at the beach all day. I’ll get to wherever it is I need to go.

I’m open to the adventure and I’m open to going with the flow.

I’m reminded that this work is a practice and that you don’t need to go on a solo trip to Bali to learn it.

You can practice it anytime, anywhere.

I can’t wait to go back home. I’m scared to go back home.

I feel grateful for this time, this journey, this body, this heart, this soul, this mind, this life.

I think about my story and how it’s a really good one, even on the days I feel so human and not like a mermaid goddess.

I remember how the mermaid goddess is always inside of me and is always guiding me.

What are you thinking about?

 

 

 

 

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