It’s my LAST DAY of being 24 and I spent my morning journaling in bed, naked, doing a self-pleasure practice which involved massaging my naked body in coconut oil, listening to an Abraham Hicks abundance rampage, pulling a card from my new card deck by Sahara Rose’s “A Yogic Path”, creating a yoga class for a teaching audition this weekend, and having breakfast of a grapefruit and hazelnut perfect bar in my boyfriends bed while he’s at work.
(btw, eating sensual fruit in bed while you have your period and are naked is a VIBE. love connecting to my feminine energy in this way)
I’m feeling SO connected, grateful, sensual, abundant and ALIVE after doing these practices which is a relief, because my emotions have been all over the place since coming back from my trip.
I’m taking a moment to recognize that this is my REALITY RIGHT NOW. I’m not going to succumb to the “lack” thoughts of “oh, I wish my mornings always looked like this”, or “well as soon as I have a job again, it won’t be like this” but instead just feeling so grateful for the fact that it’s FRIDAY, DECEMBER 20TH, 2019 and I just gave myself the gift of connection to myself and the abundance the universe has to offer.
It is always available to you.
I’ve had a whirlwind of a week adjusting to being back in America, recovering from a cold, fighting jet lag which has been a very real thing, spending beautiful connection time with my boyfriend, babysitting my nephew and seeing my sister, had a creativity coaching call, applying to many jobs, going into the city for interviews (already had four this week!) and just wow, it’s been a lot and I also feel like I’ve been back for like a month and it’s only been one week.
My emotions have been a little all over the place as I’m trying not to fall into the trap of “go, go, go” and operating from a place of lack trying to “hustle” to get a new job and really trying to take the lessons I’ve learned over this entire YEAR and remind myself that this is a beautiful opportunity to only say YES to what feels like a YES and be able to trust in the magic of the universe!
I know that I CAN have everything I want and that it’s already on it’s way.
Right now, I’m struggling with going back and forth between practical reality and continuing to just surrender and trust.
After everything I’ve learned, the thought of getting a soul sucking job that will consume all my time and energy is NOT what I’m here for. I feel such a visceral resistance to it, and yet the interviews I went in for were temp agencies and nanny agencies as my rational brain is like, “leya, you need to start making money again, what are you going to do in the new year?”
After one of my interviews, I just felt so defeated and awful because when we were talking about the schedule, everything in my being was like NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT.
Then, I get out into the New York City FREEZING weather of 17 degrees and people were shoulder checking me, yelling at me to pay attention when I was trying to take a picture on my phone, and I just got so sad because I thought, “Why do people live this way? in this hard, heart closed off space? Why are they all running around like monkeys?”
The biggest things I learned during my travels are that THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO LIVE. There is joy and love and life all around us. We don’t have to be hustling and all business and just keeping our monkey minds distracted so we forget what our souls truly came here to do!
I was having all these thoughts of “why am I moving to NYC again?” I have a lot of fear and resistance to it because since I now know how beautiful life can be, I don’t want to subject myself to a place where the main mentality is that of hustle and bustle (very masculine centered) when I’ve been so into this more feminine space of slowing down, intuitive living, creating, and ENJOYING. I worry that NYC will harden me and reverse all the inner work I’ve been doing.
I was feeling so awful, but then I realized two very beautiful things.
One is that I have truly learned how to alchemize my emotions.
I have this deep inner connection to myself and know how to have an inner dialogue with myself so I could process these feelings, hold space for them, give love and gratitude to myself, and then be able to CHOOSE to see the beauty and joy in life instead of focusing on the negatives.
Two, is that I understand that New York City will be one of my greatest teachers.
Talk about a place where you can actually PRACTICE what you preach. The challenges that arise are just gifts to be able to change your perspective and continue to live in the beautiful, feminine, heart opened space even when the “external” reality is not your ideal situation.
The truth is, it’s never about your external circumstance. It’s always about learning how to deal with your internal reality and choosing to change it and alchemize it whenever you want.
You can always tap into the frequency of pleasure and abundance, anytime, anywhere.
My intuition is guiding me to New York City. I know this is my next step. It’s been a dream of mine my entire childhood life.
I wrote this in Thailand last week to post on Insta when I officially “move” which is funny because I’m like has that happened? Have I officially “moved”?
“I grew up visiting NYC as a kid. We lived just 3 hours away in Pennsylvania and would take frequent trips there either to the museum or the park. On the weekends, we woke up at 6 am to drive to the city so my sisters could take violin lessons. The summer after I graduated high school, I lived with my sister in Washington Heights and worked at the #1 rated fine dining restaurant in the world. I was the youngest person working there and made $1000 a week working 12 hour shifts. It was my first taste of life as an adult. I used my sisters ID to sneak into all the rooftop bars just so I could see the views. I wrote poetry on the subway ride home at 3 am and sometimes stopped in Times Square just to see the lights. I spent my only day off seeing all the broadway shows I could. My favorite was when I had either a Wednesday or Saturday off so I could see two shows in one day. I knew it was a good one when I left the theater and couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I belonged there. I tasted the magic of the theater and the city and couldn’t wait to live there, for real. I worked again the following summer, after I finished my freshman year of college and the city felt different. I just spent a year living in Orange County and suddenly everything felt too hard. The subway took forever, the city was hot and crowded, and I could see the flaws in the performances after my year of training at acting school, but I knew I would still end up living there after school to “become an actor”. My junior year of college we spent a month living there to get a taste of the “acting life” and I knew if anybody could do it, I could. I had been preparing for it my entire life. School ended and while many of my classmates made the move, the move I was always planning to make, I made an unexpected detour in CT first. Life was quieter and simpler there and I loved being able to drive everywhere and live across the street from the beach and be able to walk through forests. These past few months and years even I’ve been almost dreading this move. It feels like something I have to do, and not something I necessarily want to do. Why New York? People ask me. And honestly, I can’t answer them, it’s a pull I’ve had my entire life and even though maybe some of my dreams have now changed and maybe I’d be better off living on an island somewhere, somehow it’s the city that always feel the most like home.
And then I remember, Manhattan is also an island. I’m home ”
After doing my practices this morning, I know that the best is yet to come. Everything is working out best case scenario. I have the opportunity to CREATE my own reality.
So much love, so much gratitude, thank you for following along on this journey.